The Biggest Ball of Fail

For some reason (or, more likely, no reason), The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota popped into my head this morning. Naturally, I tried singing it to see if I'd remember all the words. The first 5 verses went really well (including all the decals from all the places where we've already been), but I couldn't remember what happened after the kids were so happy they started singing 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall for the 27th time that day. And then, it all just kind of fell apart. I was positively crestfallen.

So, this is to refresh your memory and mine. Enjoy!

Glee 3D Highlights

Just got back from seeing Glee: The 3D Concert Movie. Since it's only going to be in theatres for two weeks, I'm sure some unfortunate souls will miss it. For those people, I now present the top three highlights:

3. Heather Morris's in-character backstage Brittany quips.
2. The girl with the "Jew Fro" Born This Way T-shirt.
1. Absolutely zero Matthew Morrison!

Are You Smarter Than a Global TV Executive?

I just caught Collin Mochrie on the radio promoting a new show he's hosting on Global: Are You Smarter Than a Canadian 5th Grader, adapted from the American Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader, natch.

Okay, I have no issue with these limited-run adaptations in general. I don't think anyone honestly expects Global to come up with original Canadian programming ideas. All they do is air American shows anyway, so doing an occasional local version is a slight improvement, at least.

But this title is simply beyond the pale. Even if no one at Global noticed, surely one of the clever kids on set would have pointed out that, in Canada, we say grade five.

Idol-struck!

Last night was Madonnarama (apologies for the MySpace link) at Fly. That's right: all Madonna's music, all Madonna drag, all night! I was pretty excited, as was just about every other gay in Toronto, it seems. Doors opened at 10, we were there by 20 after, and we still had to stand in line for an hour. When we got in, the dance floor was already packed.

It was really a fun, if sticky, night. But, I found out, it wasn't just the gays who were there to revel in the music and aura of Madonna. Oh no, there was also a real-life diva among us.

None other than Melissa O'Neil, winner of Canadian Idol's third season. I was thrilled when Kevin told me he'd seen her there, as I adore her and I feel that embracing your gays is a key step towards divadom. When we saw her later, I went up, said hi, told her that I thought she's fantastic, and that I saw her concert at Massey Hall last year. All true, of course.

So yes, at this point, my inner 12-year-old girl had broken free and taken over. But Melissa was super cool: she put out her hand and asked if I wanted to come upstairs and dance. So, we hit the floor with her other gays and had a great time! Of course, everyone was singing along to all the songs they were playing, and it was just amazing to hear her powerful pipes up close!

Well, the details of how and when I left Fly are a little sketchy, but I'm still pretty excited about the whole experience today. Thanks Melissa for making this boy's night!

A Deal with the Devil for an MD Lie, Oh!

This just makes me laugh. I call it "ESL Idol."


Here's my best attempt at transcribing the lyrics:

I figure without
I was haba-long and ebrie-thin between
I was Ricky-wide
Baby to know what a mean
Till there was you
Yeah you

Something was wrong
Made a deal with the devil for an MD lie, oh
Been to heel and bah, burra angel was looking through
It was a you
Yeah you

It's all because a you

You are the reason
You are the reason
I wake up every day
Sleep to the night
You are the reason
The reason

In the middle of the night
I'm golden eye 'cause I won you
I want to torch you
I want to floor you
You are the reason baby

Her name is Alberta, She lives in Vancouver

Rejoice! Avenue Q is coming to Toronto!

If you don't know why this is exciting news, you should probably go check out some videos. I saw the show on Broadway in 2005, and it was fantastic. The whole concept is incredibly clever, the cast does an amazing job as puppeteers and actors simultaneously, and the songs are brilliantly funny.

Oddly enough, I was quite recently musing about the unlikelihood of this very happening. I figured that we'd never see Avenue Q mounted here because much of its humour is quite mature [1] and, occasionally, a little puzzling to those who don't hail from New York. [2] What with the mixed success of musical theatre in Toronto lately, it just didn't seem like a safe bet.

Well, it seems there's a new theatre company in town looking to shake things up a bit. Great, I can't wait! Actually, I guess I'll have to, since the month-long run won't start until July 29, 2008. Fortunately, they're planning a number of Broadway hit before then, starting this September.

And, there's always a certain movie to look forward to...

---
[1] This includes graphic puppet sex.
[2] Even the name of the show is based on New York geographical trivia.

More Fun Video

More witty video on an oh-so-productive Friday. This one is from Mad TV.

Jannada AM

Jann Arden was on Canada AM this morning to promote her new album. Paul is doing a stint as an intern there, and was able to invite me to be in the audience for the broadcast. It was intended to be an intimate performance, and in the end only about 20 people showed up! Metro had held a content to select audience members, but either they messed things up, or none of their winners bothered to trek out to Scarborough.

I ended up sitting right in the front row! As we were walking into the studio, I joked, "Will I be sitting in Jann's lap? Or will she be in mine?"

The mini-concert included just two songs, but it was fantastic! I was literally 6 feet away from Jann the whole time.


Jann kept saying how incredible it was that we had shown up so early to see her. During one of the breaks, she was chatting with Seamus and Marci, the hosts, and somehow, they started talking about me. I guess it was hard to miss me, sitting there in the front with a characteristically huge grin on my face. One of the hosts had pointed me out, and Jann said I had a nice smile!

Marci asked if I was a fan, and I replied, ironically, "a l'il bit." Someone said something about how she has such huge fans, and I said, "it's funny today because you don't have the stage to protect you from us."

I guess Jann was amused. She assuredly said, "nooo...", ran over, and sat in my lap! Of course, I was totally cool about it all. I believe my insightful words were, "ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod." I'm really good with celebrities.

Anyhow, Jann asked what my name was. I was actually able to remember, which was good. She thanked me for coming, and I thanked her...for sitting on me, I guess.

After the show was over, I had the chance to get this picture with Jann. My flash was off, since obviously we had been asked not to take flash photography during the show. So, unfortunately, it's a little grainy. Still, it's a fantastic memento of the day!

*wink*

Yup, this is the post I was musing about yesterday. I guess I was bothered enough by the fact that I hadn't posted in over a month that I decided to finish it...

Several weeks ago now, Alex invited me and Kevin to watch some stand-up comedy at the Laugh Resort. The whole evening was a good time, but things got really interesting for me while the headliner, Michael Somerville, was on stage.

He was talking about how, when he gets back into town from touring, he meets his girlfriend at a bar, and they try to pick each other up. They make it interesting by giving each other a little assignment or challenge for the night. One time, he was to whistle at her, and she was to wink at him. But, at the time they had given each other these assignments, they didn't know that he can't whistle and she can't wink!

Well, when he started talking about how she couldn't wink, I cheered. I did that because I can't wink either.

He noticed, and asked if I was cheering because I can't wink. "That's right," I said.

He got pretty excited by this, and said that I'm the only other person he knows of who can't wink. He invited me up on stage, to demonstrate to everyone how funny it looks when someone who can't wink tries to. I declined, and he carried on with his story.

Then, right at the end of his set, he was summing up: "and really, that's all there is...unless Dave wants to come up and wink for us" (or words to that effect...hey, it was weeks ago, remember!). Well, in the interim, he had mentioned that he had a CD, which he would be selling after the show. Without missing a beat, I said, "I'll do it for a a free CD."

Why did I do that? I really didn't want to get up on stage and be laughed at, did I?

Anyway, he brought me up on stage, and shared his plans for me. We were going to reenact the scene in the bar, and I would of course be playing his wink-less girlfriend. I said that I hadn't realized this would be a whole big dramatic presentation, and added that the CD had better be signed.

So, I sat on a stool, and he walked across the stage. We glanced at each other, trying not to hold eye contact. Then, he started blowing air, attempting to whistle, and I started scrunching up my face, trying to wink.

The scene was pretty funny, from where I was sitting, anyway. He seemed to be really amused, too. But, the whole experience was quite surreal, so I don't actually remember if anyone in the audience was laughing.

In the end, he started faking a whistle sound, as he'd described earlier in his bit. Not willing to be outdone, I used my hands to hold one eye open and force the other one shut. I think this might have been met with laughter and applause, but I may be imagining that.

Anyway, the whole thing ended quite quickly. But, after the show, he did honour our deal, and I got my free, signed CD.


If you get the chance to see Michael doing stand up, take it! He's a funny guy!

Idol-tastic!

Yay! Go Eva!

Bring on the Idols!

Tonight marks the start of season four of Canadian Idol. I recognize that it's the same old, but for some reason it's still so much fun to watch. Somehow , it just seems a little more real than that other idol show, which I suppose is always good for a reality show: the contestants, the judges, even dorky old Ben Mulroney. And don't tell, but I think we've got better singers, too.

Today's episode didn't disappoint. My favourite moments came when Zack almost wheeled himself off the stage in Kitchener Waterloo, when one girl was preparing herself to start singing and she farted, and best of all, the girl who did impressions of Britney, Cher, and Sharika. What I want to know: did they put her through to Toronto?

But apparently, this episode was brought to you by the oil industry association of Alberta. What was with that little tribute to the oil patch workers? Maybe they just had three minutes of air to fill?

Anyhow, I can't wait -- bring on the idols!

Oh, and Gameshow Marathon looks pretty exciting. You know, in that bloody, gory train wreck sort of way.

Canadian Music Creators Speak Out

Today a new voice was heard in the debate over copyright reform in Canada: a group called the Canadian Music Creators Coalition was launched to represent the views of artists. Which artists, you ask?

How about Barenaked Ladies, Avril Lavigne, Sarah McLachlan, Chantal Kreviazuk, Sum 41, Raine Maida, Billy Talent, Broken Social Scene, and Sloan, for starters? These are some of the biggest names in Canadian music. Some are signed to major labels, and other to independents. They've banded together to clearly reject the notion that the major labels and their lobbyists speak on their behalf, and to advance a decidedly fan-friendly agenda.

Here are their three guiding principles for the copyright reform process:

1. Suing our fans is destructive and hypocritical
2. Digital locks are risky and counterproductive
3. Cultural policy should support actual Canadian artists.

They expand on these principles to oppose the RIAA-style lawsuits and the harsh statutory copyright damages that make them possible, as well as DRM and DMCA-style legislation that protects it. Moreover, they advocate the notion of fair use to protect consumers, in place of our current, more limited fair dealings provisions, and call on the government to strengthen initiatives that really benefit Canadian artists, like The Canada Music Fund and FACTOR.

This couldn't come at a better time. The new federal government will be taking a fresh look at copyright reform, after Bill C-60 died with the previous session of parliament. They will now be faced with a strong voice putting forward these principles, and I'm sure they will find it difficult to ignore the artists.

C-60 may have seemed quite civilized compared to the DMCA, but viewed through the lens of these principles, it looks positively draconian. Hopefully copyright sanity will prevail in Canada, and the Canadian music will continue to flourish.

And now, I shall go listen to Train Wreck with glee.

What would you do? What would you do?

I think I had my first celebrity encounter today. Well, sort of celebrity, anyway.

Kevin and I were walking down Queen Street today, just approaching Yonge, when we saw a familiar face. Well, it's been familiar only recently, since we started watching VJ Search on MuchMusic a few weeks ago. It was Sean! I held in my squeal, and Kevin and I just looked at each other. Then we noticed that he was walking with Nikki! We actually walked right behind them for a few steps before I couldn't hold it in anymore, and I squealed like a little girl.

They turned around and Kevin said "hi." There was an awkward silence before I stammered out, "so you guys don't know yet? Is it, like, in real time?" And she said yeah, that they'd find out on Monday, and the voting's still going on. I said that was exciting and that it seemed I was more nervous than them. Sean said he was waiting for them to announce, "and the person with the least number of votes is...Sean!" But then, he's been underselling himself the whole time.

I don't really remember everything that was said, but I do know that Nikki pointed out a couple of times how cute I was. "Cute" as in "freaky, scary, get-this-stalker-away-from-me cute," I guess. Sean didn't really say much. Maybe he was kind of annoyed by the attention, or maybe he's just not used to thinking of himself as a celebrity.

They both looked really good, like maybe they got to keep the clothes from the show and use the stylists on their off time. Nikki was gorgeous; she has a great smile.

I quickly ran out of things to say. We somehow got in front of them at a traffic light (we were in a hurry) and walked off. I didn't even think to wish them luck!

Goodbye, Las Vegas!

My trip ended today, as I said farewell to the fabulously tacky world of Las Vegas and returned to good old Toronto.

I had a great time there with mum, but I've got to admit, it'll never become a favourite destination for me. It's just too big, too loud, too fake. And I don't think I'll ever get the appeal of gambling. I took another crack at slots, and I got so bored that I just wanted it to end.

Some of the sights were definitely impressive, like the fountains at the Bellagio the view from the mini Eiffel Tower at Paris Las Vegas, and the inside of the Luxor. And I was pretty excited to get a cute new swim suit at the Fashion Show Mall (I had forgotten to bring one). Okay, not too cute -- I was with my mother, after all!

We saw the main attraction, Celine's A New Day... last night and it was just amazing. Apparently, it was the anniversary of the show's launch three years ago, so it was clearly a big deal for her and for the rest of the performers. She was so "on", I couldn't believe it. I've never heard such a flawless live vocal performance before. The dancing, staging and effects, as promised, were quite spectacular. "I'm Alive," "At Last," "I've Got the World on a String," "I Surrender," an Italian song that I didn't know, "I Wish," and "My Heart Will Go On" were especially effective. "The Power of Love" was just bizarre, with its strutting peacocks and weird technicolor wormhole background.

Well, that's the way Vegas went. Now it's back to the old grind.

Janntastic!

I was lucky enough to see Jann Arden's latest tour, in support of her eponymous album, twice last week -- on Tuesday and Thursday at Massey Hall. The reason for my double attendance is quite a story, itself, but I won't get into that now. Anyhow, I was really happy to be able to see the two shows, and to share the experience with both Kevin and Alex.


For the first show, Kevin and I had fairly poor seats: we were way over to one side of the second balcony, practically on top of the right end of the stage. So, it was often hard to see, and the sound was pretty poor, with the drum kit drowning out pretty much any subtlety or nuance in the vocals and the rest of the band. Fortunately, there were two gorgeous acuostic sets, which sounded wonderful. In the first, Jann did a solo version of "I Would Die For You", after which Kevin asked me if it was too early for a standing ovation. She was then joined by Bob Kemmis, who had opened for her, for "Unloved." Later, for her encore, she performed accoustic versions of "The Sound Of," "Waiting In Canada," and "Insensitive" with her band.

As for the rest of the setlist, it included about half of the tracks from the new album ("Calling God," "Where No One Knows Me," "All Of This," "How Good Things Are," and "Willing To Fall Down"), mixed in with various older songs (including "Waiting For Someone," "Will You Remeber Me," "Could I Be Your Girl," "Good Mother", "The Sound Of," "Holy Moses," and "Wishing That"). In all, I think it was really good selection, and I was happy to hear some songs from Time For Mercy and Happy? that I hadn't in a long time. In an ideal world, though, she would have done one or two of my current favourites: "Saved," "Into The Sun" and (big surprise) "Another Human Being." A couple of the more uptempo songs, "Where No One Knows Me" and "Willing To Fall Down" in particular, seemed a little unsteady and not too tight, like there was some struggle between the drummer and the rest of the band over tempo. Later, from reading Jann's journal, I learned that the click track wasn't working that night, which would explain that.

Of course, Jann was a riot. She told an extensive tale about a trip to the movies, a large popcorn and drink, the long ride home after an insufficient pee check, and a surprisingly located stray kernel. And the comic quips never stopped, especially when she was talking about her band. She explained the secret to her long-term working relationship with her guitarist and co-writer, Russ: "we've never seen each other nude." And, when introducing Darcy on the keyboards, she commented that they had meant during a short stint in the adult film industry...in Fort McMurray.

The second show was even better than the first, mainly because of where Alex and I sat: front row, centre -- literally, the best in the house. The photo up above was taken from my seat that night (the rest of them are here). At one point, Jann introduced and thanked the guy from A&M Records who first signed her. All I could think was, "our seats are so much better than his!" The sound was truly excellent up there; the vocals were clear in all the songs, with the drum kit blending in much better.

The setlist was the same as in the previous show, but it was a much more "on" crowd, giving greater response to everything...more applause for the songs, more laughter at the jokes, and several spontaneous outbursts of emotion: "Thank you Jann!" "We love you Jann!" "You look great tonight, Jann!" And she really did, wearing this cute yellow leather jacket and jeans that really flattered her figure.

Alex said I was probably the biggest fann there, mouthing along to all the songs and screaming a lot. A few times, I'm sure Jann looked right at me, and I felt foolish, stopped mouthing along, and just smiled. We had a little moment, too: Jann was asking a visibly pregnant woman in the front row about when she'd be having her child (turned out she was having twins, actually!), and if she'd decided on names. On hearing that she was expecting for March and she hadn't yet, Jann suggested that, since her birthday's in late March, maybe she should think about "Jann" or "Arden" or something. I thought that was a brilliant idea (I'd do it), so I yelled out "yeah!" Jann noticed my outburst, and without missing a beat, yelled "yeah!" right back, looking straight at me. I think I was mocked by Jann. How fun!

My only negative experiences were with security. I brought flowers, which I'd hoped to give to Jann after the encore was over. But, before the show, a big guy came over to where we were sitting, said he was in charge of security for the show, and gave us his card. He'd seen the flowers, and didn't want me to hand them to her during the show. I tried to find out what the concern was and reason with him, but he was having none of it, and I eventually I had to surrender the flowers. He said he was going to take them straight to Jann's dressing room, and I hope he did, but that's kind of not the point. I wanted to give them to her -- I wanted her to look down and see my face, and connect with me for a moment, and know that I'm one of her fans. I suppose it's kind of silly, immature and selfish, but it's what I wanted.

Once the concert started, after I had been snapping pictures like crazy during the first song, an usher came down and asked me to put away the camera, claiming that they weren't allowed. It didn't say anything about that on the ticket, and I wasn't using flash, but I did put it away, anyway. I'd already taken a couple of really nice pictures, so I'd have something to remember the show by. Obviously I wasn't the only one there with a camera, as I kept seeing flashes go off during the rest of the show. And by the time "Good Mother" came around (it was the last song before the encore), I subtly (I hope) whipped out the camera again for a few last shots.

In all, the concerts were a fantastic experience.

Go Melissa!

Tonight's the final episode of Canadian Idol. If Melissa doesn't win, I'll be crushed.

There have been some decidedly bad choices in the past. Remember in season one, when Toya and Audrey didn't even make the top 3, and then Ryan Malcolm won? Hmm...whatever happened to him, anyway?

Still, even the horny 15-year old girls shouldn't screw this one up. Rex is simply a piss poor singer. And he's not even good looking! What do they see in him?

Kevin and I voted for Melissa 20 times last night. If that's not enough, what is?

Power

On Monday, I went to Beachfest, a free, all-day concert at Sunnyside Park, and got to enjoy performances by Sarah Slean, K-OS, Steven Page, David Usher, and Kathleen Edwards (other artists performed, but we wandered off during their sets).

For me, the highlight was definitely Sarah Slean. Some artists are just captivating, and she's one such artist. Her melodies, her lyrics, her delivery, her musicianship...it was just her and a piano, and that's part of what made it so striking.

What I wouldn't give to be able to start with a blank piece of paper, and create a song out of nowhere. Or to sit down at a piano, and make that song real, with heart, hands, and voice. It's so powerful. I envy it.

We consider people who run businesses and governments to be powerful. Why? They don't even create anything.

Advice for Kelly

A few days ago, I saw a bit of one of the many reruns of the VMA's on MTV (apparently, they program their specials the same way as MuchMusic). I caught Kelly Clarkson performing "Since U Been Gone" and...oh my! I don't think she sang a single right note. What would Simon say?

Here's some free advice, Kelly: you may figure yourself a rock chick now. You might be incredibly cute, and you might even be glistening from the fake rain they're pouring on you. Your song might have been the most fun release all year. But, get real -- you launched your career on American Idol! If you don't sing well, I won't love you.

Avenue Q

I just got back from seeing Avenue Q with Karyn. Like the last time I saw a show on Broadway, Urinetown, I was very impressed to see new a new, edgier, self-deprecating style of musical theatre. This show was creative, relatable, hilarious, and not at all afraid to take risks.

The best way to describe Avenue Q is as Sesame Street for grown-ups. Well, maybe for immature, somewhat dysfunctional, 20-something grown-ups. Some characters are played by live actors, and others are puppets -- though, you can always see the actors who are operating and voicing the puppets on stage. That's a good thing, as some of the entertainmet flows from the way the actors often mirror the motions and expressions of their puppets. Also impressive is how the actors juggle multiple puppet roles, occasionally passing one puppet off to another actor in the background as a different puppet takes centre stage.

There are many highly entertaining songs, some of which don't necessarily tie into the plot very well. Trekkie Monster's "The Internet is for Porn" (think "C is for Cookie") certainly stands out in this regard. I was howling.

Oh, did I mention that the cast was oustanding, and that the lead, Barrett Foa, was quite notably hot? Yep, this one's definitely worth seeing. I think will be picking up the soundtrack, and hopefully the above poster, as soon as possible.

I Want My CBC

The CBC locked out 5500 employees on Monday. I suppose it's hard to produce television and radio without technicians or on-air talent, so the CBC management isn't even trying.

Radio One is simply playing music all day, with 5 minute news and information updates on the hour. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to wake up without Metro Morning? Music is too easy to snooze to; I need conversation to latch on to. Conflict is especially helpful.

CBC Television and Newsworld are playing lots of reruns, and broadcasting BBC news instead of producing their own. Now, I've got no complaints about the Beeb's newscasts, but what ever happened to "Trusted. Connected. Canadian"?

My fear is that more people are going to turn to the private media, with support for public broadcasting eroding as a result. It's bad enough that the CBC lost the Junos, and now the Olympics, to CTV. I really don't want to see the CBC weakened any further.

Did the CBC management think this through at all?

Out of protest, I'm thinking I might not wear my vintage CBC T-shirt until the lockout is over.